1 00:00:40,060 --> 00:00:41,820 Mister... Horton... 2 00:00:41,820 --> 00:00:43,260 had... 3 00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:46,420 a shag... 4 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,440 ..pile... 5 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,480 ..car... 6 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,120 pet 7 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,380 installed. Frank. 8 00:00:58,380 --> 00:01:02,840 I don't think this new shorthand is helping. 9 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,500 Sorry I'm late. 10 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,300 Sheep exploded. Nasty business. 11 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:13,760 Would you like a recap? Quickly. They're popping like champagne corks. 12 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:20,180 First, the apologies. Then the council agreed to give £200 to the Scots. 13 00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:22,880 What the hell for? 14 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,520 I miss 10 minutes and you go mad. 15 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:29,560 Why the hell should we give the Scots money? 16 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,240 Calm down. The SCOUTS, Frank. 17 00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:35,480 Oh, right. 18 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,240 We also gave £20... 19 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:44,320 to the Save The...Chickens Fund. Moving on! Any other business? Yes. 20 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,980 I'm on local radio next week. 21 00:01:47,780 --> 00:01:50,220 Does anyone have any requests? 22 00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:56,820 A bus for the Women's Institute. We're going to see those lovely dancers in London. 23 00:01:56,820 --> 00:02:00,820 The Royal Ballet? No. The Chippendales. 24 00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:05,940 I meant record requests. Did you know I used to be a DJ? 25 00:02:05,940 --> 00:02:10,580 What station? Miss Selfridge FM, Cheltenham. 26 00:02:10,580 --> 00:02:15,500 There was that lovely record about someone's face. 27 00:02:15,500 --> 00:02:19,600 Let's Face The Music And Dance. Torvill and Dean. 28 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:24,400 Chantilly Face? Hugo, give me a classic. 29 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:28,880 It has to be Kylie. The question is which? 30 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:32,920 All right. 31 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,460 32 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,160 The parish clerk 33 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,980 requested "Shut Up Your Face" 34 00:02:44,980 --> 00:02:51,340 and the chairman pointed out that if he heard that song he'd take Frank by the testicles 35 00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:56,420 and swing him round his head till his screams were heard in Reykjavik. 36 00:02:56,420 --> 00:03:02,520 And now there is just one other badly-timed piece of any other business. 37 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,260 Mrs Cropley. Oh, yes. 38 00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:09,520 I just want to say on behalf of everyone here, 39 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,080 happy birthday, Frank! 40 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,000 Lovely! 41 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,760 Chocolate! 42 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,460 No. Marmite. 43 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:25,680 You must know some funny stories about Frank. 44 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:31,760 I know more funny stories about foot rot! He's the most tedious man on earth. 45 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:36,760 Oh, God! The Dibley Poisoner does her rounds! 46 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,580 Cake? 47 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,520 Eh... 48 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,100 Yes, thank you. 49 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:54,340 Doing anything special on your birthday? 50 00:03:54,340 --> 00:03:59,560 I manured the dahlias. Oh! Use your own manure? 51 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,700 I don't mean your OWN manure. Although I'm sure it's excellent. 52 00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:08,360 Probably not good for the flowers. Can you forget I mentioned it? 53 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:13,500 I WAS thinking of going to an exciting exhibition in Whitworth - 54 00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:16,340 "Train Timetables of the 1920s." 55 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:18,020 Unmissable! 56 00:04:18,020 --> 00:04:22,440 But, unfortunately, I couldn't afford the taxi. 57 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,040 Isn't there a bus to Whitworth? Not for years. 58 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,660 Ahem! 59 00:04:27,660 --> 00:04:31,860 As you know, today is Frank's 60th birthday. 60 00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:34,980 What CAN one say about Frank? 61 00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:40,040 He has a huge fund of remarkable anecdotes about the village. 62 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,780 The day the milkman was 47 minutes late, 63 00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:47,060 the night the pub ran out of crisps 64 00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:53,300 and the year he heard a cuckoo in March... only it turned out to be a pigeon. 65 00:04:53,300 --> 00:05:00,460 Happy days! We often say you should write these wonderful memories down. Good thought! 66 00:05:00,460 --> 00:05:04,560 Instead of telling us... all the damn time! 67 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,660 To Frank! 68 00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:10,040 TO FRANK! Thank you! 69 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,700 I forgot to give you this. 70 00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:16,080 You shouldn't have! Thank you... 71 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,920 It's the bill for the wine. 72 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:23,100 Can I count on your vote at the election? 73 00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:24,400 Yes. 74 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,140 I hope you'll vote for him, Vicar. 75 00:05:27,140 --> 00:05:30,200 Can't be worse than the one we've got. 76 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,980 Who IS our present councillor? 77 00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:35,560 Mr Completely Invisible? 78 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,140 Mr Total And Utter Dingbat? 79 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,780 Representing the Do Sod-All Party?! 80 00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:45,360 David! 81 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,100 It's you, isn't it? 82 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:53,240 I think you'll find that the huge majority are happy with me. 83 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,820 No, no, no. Not really. 84 00:05:55,820 --> 00:06:01,340 It would be nice to have a bus. Transport. Like in the 1870s. 85 00:06:01,340 --> 00:06:04,060 Look at my latest campaign leaflet. 86 00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:08,600 A bus service is my top priority. Wonderful idea. 87 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,300 It was a priority last time. 88 00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:18,440 Mmm! Now, if you will all excuse me... (I will speak to you later, Vicar.) 89 00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:23,060 Nibble, Vicar? 90 00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:25,720 It's chocolate spread. 91 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,540 Chocolate? Yeah. You promise? Yeah. 92 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,060 All right, then. 93 00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:38,300 Very...unusual taste. 94 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:41,060 I put in a bit of tarasalamata(!) 95 00:06:43,540 --> 00:06:45,980 Did you? 96 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,160 Excuse me! 97 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:56,000 Feeling better, Vicar? Not really. Aww! 98 00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:01,020 I had a terrible night. My bottom had a worse one. 99 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,740 Those chocolate sandwiches! 100 00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:08,840 That woman really is the queen of cordon bleurgh! 101 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:13,300 I don't know who to vote for. They're all SO nice. 102 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:15,200 Well... 103 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:20,580 Oww! Who did you vote for in the general election? 104 00:07:20,580 --> 00:07:24,660 I couldn't choose. I didn't tick anyone. 105 00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:29,880 I just put a big cross at the Tory to make sure he wouldn't get in. 106 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,760 Coming! With a big, sore baboon's bottom! 107 00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:41,740 District councillor, all-round gorgeous guy, we were just talking about you. 108 00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:44,360 Trying to lose me another voter? 109 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:48,940 That's an interesting emblem. What is it? 110 00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:51,740 Taramasalata, actually. 111 00:07:51,740 --> 00:07:54,520 I want to speak to the vicar alone. 112 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,060 Right. 113 00:07:56,060 --> 00:08:02,400 She'll be back in a tick. She just went to get the front door. I'll tell her you're here. 114 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,060 Alice, look who it is. 115 00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:08,580 That's a coincidence. Your father's here. 116 00:08:08,580 --> 00:08:12,340 You big bananas - you should have come together. 117 00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:18,280 Why don't you two little bunny rabbits hop off and make coffee while we chat? 118 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,020 Hello! 119 00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:26,840 I've got taramasalata on my tie. 120 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,840 Oh, it's VERY nice. Yes. I rather like it. 121 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:35,820 I didn't do it on purpose, but I WILL since YOU like it! 122 00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:38,560 I'm all ears, David. Well... 123 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:42,540 Oww! Are you all right? Yes. Carry on. 124 00:08:42,540 --> 00:08:45,360 Don't interfere in this election. 125 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:52,300 I will not be undermined by a left-wing priest spreading hard-core Marxism. 126 00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:57,340 I see. What was that Socialist tract from last week's sermon? 127 00:08:57,340 --> 00:09:00,040 The sermon on the mount! 128 00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:06,560 Jesus did not tell rich people to give their money away. I think you'll find he did! 129 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:11,620 What did he say to the sick man? "Take up thy bed and walk." 130 00:09:11,620 --> 00:09:15,160 In other words, "Help yourself. On your bike." 131 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,960 Sorry! Can I just check this? 132 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:23,360 Are you trying to establish a link between Jesus and Norman Tebbitt? 133 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:28,220 There are similarities. There bloody are not! 134 00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,600 Well, whatever. Yes! 135 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:36,860 Our Lord very rarely mentioned anything about unprofitable local buses. 136 00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:39,620 Oh, no! How wrong can a man be? 137 00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:44,640 "And the Lord returned from the desert and said, 138 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:48,200 "I'm worried about the Shopper Hopper." 139 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:54,260 Yes. And here. "And he saw that they were poor and in deep distress. 140 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,800 "So he built them a golf course." 141 00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:02,380 Got something against golf? Apart from the stupid trousers? 142 00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:07,520 And the fact that the council paid £2,000 to Nick Faldo to open it? 143 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,200 I mean, Nick Faldo! 144 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:15,300 He's got as much personality as a 6' 4" asparagus! 145 00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:20,020 Nine iron, Nick Faldo - who's more interesting? 146 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,560 Tell me, nine iron... 147 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:27,560 Coffee's up! Time to go, Hugo. Quite right. I think the vicar 148 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:32,580 realises that she should keep out of politics. Father sees to that. 149 00:10:32,580 --> 00:10:37,660 And he does an enormous amount on the town-twinning committee. Yes. 150 00:10:37,660 --> 00:10:43,660 The months he spends going to France and Italy on our behalf is amazing. 151 00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:48,860 But we're not yet twinned, are we? No. But he's narrowed it down... 152 00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:53,000 to two places in Tuscany and three on the Riviera. 153 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:58,400 Look! A lovely picture of you and Mr Horton on his new leaflet. 154 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:05,640 What's this all about? Time to go, Hugo. Farewell, Vicar! 155 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:10,700 He gets MY vote. He must the best if YOU'RE supporting him. 156 00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:15,700 Am I f...finally going to get some of that coffee? 157 00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:18,340 I must get ready to go on the radio. 158 00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:20,960 I'm... Oww! Oh, my bottom! 159 00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:24,940 If we take a look at the computer, 160 00:11:24,940 --> 00:11:29,960 we see that David Horton is predicted to get 63% of the vote. 161 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:34,560 That's a swing of 2% from the Lib-Dems. 162 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:38,060 Where does that 2% come from? Here! 163 00:11:38,060 --> 00:11:41,560 Owned by Mrs and Mrs Slater 4 years ago. 164 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,780 But they sold it to the Brothertons. 165 00:11:44,780 --> 00:11:50,260 If you translate this district result to the House of Commons, 166 00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:56,280 there's David Horton on the government benches AND the opposition benches. 167 00:11:56,940 --> 00:12:02,140 How did the canvassing go? I went round every house in the village. 168 00:12:02,140 --> 00:12:03,400 Good! 169 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:07,980 One chap talked to me for ages. Mr Smewen. 170 00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:10,740 He's the LABOUR candidate. 171 00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:12,540 Oh? 172 00:12:12,540 --> 00:12:15,200 I've got him down as a possible. 173 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:19,900 We spent hours chatting and addressing envelopes. 174 00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:25,880 Addressing envelopes? Yes. I delivered them for him on my way round. 175 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,920 He'd written to everyone. Lovely man. 176 00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:34,360 Have there been any calls? 177 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:41,960 One. The vicar about the buses. The clergy should keep their communist conks out of politics. 178 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:46,120 Yes. Oh, here she comes again. Where? 179 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:51,620 No. On the radio. 'Neil Gittons here on Radio Badger. 180 00:12:51,620 --> 00:12:56,640 'Coming up soon, our nostalgia spot, "We Thought You Were Dead". 181 00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:01,060 'But now talking to local vicar Geraldine Granger 182 00:13:01,060 --> 00:13:05,100 'who's up in arms about a bus service for Dibley. 183 00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:09,440 'We need a golf course like the Pope needs condoms, 184 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:14,560 'but we haven't had buses for 12 years.' This is outrageous! 185 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:20,120 'You feel your district councillor is responsible. Councillor Horton. 186 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:24,700 'H-O-R-T-O-N.' Why wasn't I invited to take part? 187 00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:32,380 'Councillor Horton WAS invited to take part in this programme, but he declined.' I did WHAT ? 188 00:13:32,380 --> 00:13:40,420 'His election agent quotes him: "The clergy should keep their communist conks out of politics."' 189 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,760 See? I got you word for word! 190 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:42,780 'Geraldine, you've got a request. 191 00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:45,580 'Geraldine, you've got a request. 192 00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:50,620 'Yes. For handsome Hugo, who wouldn't mind a date with THIS lady. 193 00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:53,280 'Well, SHE should be so lucky!' 194 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:58,280 "I Should Be So Lucky" by Kylie. The classic! 195 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:06,400 Contraception. Why didn't I think of contraception? 196 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,100 'You a Kylie fan, Vicar? Of course. 197 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:14,680 'Though I like more "grrr!" Less "ooh!" 198 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:20,280 'And Madonna? I'm a fan of both - the real one AND Jesus' mother. 199 00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,900 'Now it's Ruby Turner... 200 00:14:24,900 --> 00:14:27,340 'And we pray that David Horton 201 00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:32,320 stops playing golf long enough to DO something for our village. 202 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,640 'We're not going to talk any more 203 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:42,660 'about David Horton... And his abject failure to give us a bus service.' 204 00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:48,960 You were very good. Thanks, Alice. 205 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:53,580 You've got a special radio voice. Have I? Yes! 206 00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:57,640 You put on a bit of an Irish accent. I do?! Yes. 207 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:02,680 And a lovely, motherly tone when you did that lemon meringue recipe. 208 00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:08,200 Did I mention the buses at all? 209 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,920 Not as much as I'd expected. 210 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:16,240 Alice, you spent the afternoon listening to Gloria Hunniford. 211 00:15:18,540 --> 00:15:20,060 Oh! 212 00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:27,960 Excuse me! 213 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:34,260 What's going on here? We heard you on the radio and we've got a plan. Placards, please. 214 00:15:34,260 --> 00:15:35,860 Right! 215 00:15:35,860 --> 00:15:38,520 Wrong way round, Frank. 216 00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:48,600 After much discussion and debate, we've decided that Mr Horton is a total BLEEP! 217 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:54,680 No, no, no, no. That's right. So we want YOU to stand for the elections. 218 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,300 Ridiculous! I'm not a candidate, 219 00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:04,600 and the only official organisations I belong to are The Tufty Club and Take That Anonymous. 220 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,200 We've worked out a campaign song. 221 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:11,420 Vote for Gerry! 222 00:16:11,420 --> 00:16:15,580 223 00:16:15,580 --> 00:16:22,180 Owen's been working on a dirty tricks campaign, in case anything turns nasty. 224 00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:26,220 That's right. We've got alternative placards. 225 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:38,120 And an alternative song. 226 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:43,220 "In the old days, you'd vote for Horton 'cos you thought you oughta. 227 00:16:43,220 --> 00:16:49,280 "But remember, he's not only had your votes, he's also had your daughter." 228 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,120 Have you told anyone about this? 229 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,560 Everyone. Everyone! 230 00:16:55,560 --> 00:17:00,760 He's as doomed as a virgin on a date with Rod Stewart. You win! 231 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,540 Nonsense! 232 00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:05,260 D'you really think so? 233 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,140 Ahem! 234 00:17:08,580 --> 00:17:11,980 Will you be voting for Councillor Horton? 235 00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:15,960 Horton? H-O-R-T-O-N? Yes. 236 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,040 Can he depend on YOUR vote? No. 237 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:23,360 He's jolly nice. I am voting for the vicar. 238 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:27,500 Oh, right. Well... she's jolly nice, too. 239 00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:34,940 Hello, David. Something wrong? 240 00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:37,500 Yes. There IS a tiny hiccup. 241 00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:48,840 I'll suffer the worst election defeat since Enoch Powell stood in Brixton on the "whites only" ticket. 242 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,500 Know who they're voting for? 243 00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:55,720 Is it that charming Mr Smewen? Bad complexion... 244 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,220 Not Smewen. They're all voting for YOU. 245 00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:01,800 ME? Little me? 246 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:05,920 Silly little me and my dog collar? Surely not! 247 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:12,000 Actually, I HAD heard a rumour. But I ignored it because you are SO popular. 248 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,100 Anyway, I didn't think I could stand. 249 00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:19,740 If Gyles Brandreth can stand for parliament, who knows what's legal. 250 00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:21,540 Well... 251 00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:24,460 if this is happening, 252 00:18:24,460 --> 00:18:30,580 if every nitwit in this mad village IS going to vote for little old me, 253 00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:36,100 it's a looney turn of events, cos I don't want to be a councillor. 254 00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:38,520 I'm glad. 255 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:43,900 So I'll have to advise my supporters who to vote for. 256 00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:48,960 Mmm! Well! On the one hand, we've got Kevin Smewen, 257 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:53,560 short, face like an international spot convention 258 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,200 BUT with a very good heart. 259 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,460 On the other hand... 260 00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:01,440 Oh, dear! 261 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:05,580 Obviously, I SHOULD speak to Clearasil Kev. 262 00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:10,260 But if we could come to some arrangement... 263 00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:14,980 if I could run a few policy changes up the flagpole and see if you salute them, 264 00:19:14,980 --> 00:19:18,240 undress a few ideas, see if you get into bed and BLEEP 'em, 265 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,400 well, maybe, just MAYBE we could come to some accommodation. 266 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:27,260 How does that grab you? What do you have in mind? 267 00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:29,800 Well, diddy! 268 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:35,200 We could visit some constituents, make a few election promises. 269 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,360 Vicar! 270 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,920 Mr Horton. Hello... 271 00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,820 Letitia. 272 00:19:59,820 --> 00:20:04,960 I thought I'd see if there was anything we Tories can do for you. 273 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,880 Lovely. You're just in time for tea. 274 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,600 Splendid. 275 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,140 Another slice? 276 00:20:12,140 --> 00:20:19,800 Oh. Yes. Who would have thought that raspberry and roast potato would make a tasty combination? 277 00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:27,960 Vicar? Eh...no. I won't. I wouldn't want to deprive David of thirds! 278 00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:33,880 Let's see, you mentioned a bus for the W.I. 279 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:39,980 Oh, yes. Every year, Mildred and I ask for a small grant for a bus. 280 00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:42,720 Every year we get turned down. 281 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:47,060 Madness! I believe in the Women's Institute. 282 00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:53,760 If the sex change operation were cheaper, I'd become a woman in order to join 283 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:58,760 that fabulous organisation. Mmm. Parsnip brownie? 284 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:04,360 Bliss! I promise you, we will make that grant, 285 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:10,660 provided I get elected. I'll be voting for you. If that's all right by you. 286 00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:13,940 Yes. Splendid. We must be going. 287 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,780 Jim, my old mate, how are you? 288 00:21:17,780 --> 00:21:21,820 I was just taking a little nap. In your mac? 289 00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:24,580 No, no, no, no. Yes. 290 00:21:24,580 --> 00:21:28,580 We've got this leak in the bedroom, you see. 291 00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:31,380 That's what I wanted to talk about. 292 00:21:31,380 --> 00:21:38,180 The Tories are determined to wipe out all bedroom leaks by the end of next year. 293 00:21:38,180 --> 00:21:40,780 No, no, no. Oh, good news. 294 00:21:40,780 --> 00:21:43,460 Just let me tell the wife. Doris! 295 00:21:43,980 --> 00:21:46,540 Are you busy? 296 00:21:46,540 --> 00:21:51,040 Yes, yes, yes, yes. No. David Horton... 297 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,600 and the vicar. 298 00:21:53,600 --> 00:22:00,380 Yes, yes, yes. YES. Do they want to come in? No, no, no. Haven't asked them! 299 00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:04,600 Have you got a pot on? Yes, yes, yes, yes. No! 300 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:09,480 I CAN put one on. Would you like some tea? 301 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:14,560 Mr Horton, did I ever tell you about the time I went to the pub 302 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:18,820 and they'd completely run out of crisps? 303 00:22:18,820 --> 00:22:20,640 Ohh! 304 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:27,800 That was MY reaction! Pork scratchings, they had hundreds! Peanuts, lots. 305 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,340 But crisps, not one. 306 00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:33,340 I mean, not a SINGLE one. 307 00:22:33,340 --> 00:22:38,180 I don't know why you haven't told me this before! 308 00:22:38,180 --> 00:22:44,660 You think THAT'S a great story! What about the time when the milkman was late?! 309 00:22:44,660 --> 00:22:51,360 As much as I'd love to listen to these riveting tales, I must go. 310 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:58,820 But I want to assure you that if you vote for me, within 6 months, buses will run through Dibley 311 00:22:58,820 --> 00:23:03,860 twice a week. Ahem! Day. Ahem! Hour. I think it's only right. 312 00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:07,640 Oh, that's VERY good news. Splendid. 313 00:23:10,420 --> 00:23:17,980 I declare David Horton returned as the district councillor for Dibley and Whitworth. 314 00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:22,220 CHEERS 315 00:23:22,220 --> 00:23:24,420 Thank you! 316 00:23:24,420 --> 00:23:30,600 I'm proud to carry the conservative commitment to Europe further than ever before. 317 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:37,900 Dibley will be twinned with, not one...or two... but every single country in Europe! 318 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:44,780 Except Belgium! CHEERING 319 00:23:44,780 --> 00:23:49,100 Come in! Join the celebrations! Thanks. 320 00:23:49,100 --> 00:23:51,820 It's a bit of a poor turnout. 321 00:23:51,820 --> 00:23:59,100 Father got tempted away by Tory cronies. But Bruno and I are having a ripping time. 322 00:23:59,100 --> 00:24:01,880 Lovely! Twiglet? 323 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:06,900 Please! No, thanks. I think they taste like dog poo. 324 00:24:07,620 --> 00:24:09,920 They do! 325 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,600 I've got high hopes for your dad. 326 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:17,780 Scratch that crusty surface and you find a kind-hearted man. 327 00:24:17,780 --> 00:24:22,220 Attractive to a certain kind of lady. 328 00:24:22,220 --> 00:24:26,220 It's a shame there aren't more bald women. 329 00:24:26,220 --> 00:24:30,700 Any other business? Yes. Regarding the elections. 330 00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:36,620 You'll be getting MY vote. Frank, the election was YESTERDAY. 331 00:24:36,620 --> 00:24:41,980 Ohh! I'd like to congratulate our new councillor. 332 00:24:44,140 --> 00:24:49,660 Particularly in light of the promises he made! Well... 333 00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:56,160 Unfortunately, I've been scrutinising our local finances, and I fear 334 00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:02,120 that it is unlikely we will have the funds for, well... 335 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:06,740 the Women's Institute or a bus service. What?! 336 00:25:06,740 --> 00:25:13,560 I'm sorry. You will, of course, have the chance to express your dissatisfaction, 337 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,200 democratically, on October 4th. 338 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,300 1999. 339 00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:23,660 Thank you. Excuse me, I have to go and greet a foreign visitor. 340 00:25:23,660 --> 00:25:26,300 On behalf of you all, of course. 341 00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:32,500 I vote we kill him. 342 00:25:33,580 --> 00:25:36,120 No, no, no, no. 343 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:38,700 So do I. 344 00:25:38,700 --> 00:25:41,340 I could poison him, if you like. 345 00:25:41,340 --> 00:25:43,980 No-one would ever know. 346 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:50,200 No. It's too quick. Too merciful. I think we should stretch it out. 347 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,760 Hit him where it really hurts. 348 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,520 Actually increased my majority. 349 00:25:56,520 --> 00:26:01,640 Good news. So, the twinning visits will continue. Absolutely. 350 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:06,720 You'll enjoy the golf here. The villagers don't really play, 351 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:10,660 so it's like having my own course. Morning! 352 00:26:10,660 --> 00:26:13,160 Good shot, 353 00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:17,560 Mrs Ballesteros! Be hard to match THAT one! 354 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:21,820 What are YOU doing here? Playing golf... 355 00:26:21,820 --> 00:26:24,540 on our PUBLIC golf course. 356 00:26:24,540 --> 00:26:26,500 Damn! 357 00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:31,800 Looks like we'll be here a while. What shot are you on, Mrs C? 358 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,300 Hundred and eleven. 359 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:41,560 Great value, golf. Every hole is practically an hour's entertainment. 360 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,980 Oh, my God! Sorry, Vicar! 361 00:26:44,980 --> 00:26:49,060 A few little holes never did anyone any harm. 362 00:26:49,060 --> 00:26:52,220 We'll go on to the second. Good idea. 363 00:26:52,220 --> 00:26:58,380 You can join Alice and Hugo. The rest of the W.I. are on holes 3-12. 364 00:26:58,380 --> 00:27:05,140 Can I just say, David, this is a wonderful facility. Bonjour, monsieur! 365 00:27:05,140 --> 00:27:11,660 Our pensioners could be out here playing every day. Watch out, Woosnam! 366 00:27:12,140 --> 00:27:15,020 Fantastically good shot, Frank! 367 00:27:15,020 --> 00:27:21,780 That'll soon be a bunker! We might have money for a bus service after all. 368 00:27:21,780 --> 00:27:28,060 I'll need to use one of these heavy wooden clubs. Prepare the ground... 369 00:27:29,180 --> 00:27:35,860 And maybe a coach for the W.I. Perhaps I could come round and discuss it. 370 00:27:35,860 --> 00:27:42,420 Tea-time tomorrow? Perhaps not tea. Lunch. I've got a lovely tripe salad. 371 00:27:42,420 --> 00:27:45,460 Actually, I AM free at tea-time. 372 00:27:45,460 --> 00:27:49,900 Splendid! That's enough golf for one day. 373 00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:52,660 Don't see what you see in it, David. 374 00:27:54,820 --> 00:27:57,500 It's so easy! 375 00:27:58,540 --> 00:28:03,580 376 00:28:03,580 --> 00:28:09,780 All the days of my life 377 00:28:09,780 --> 00:28:15,580 378 00:28:15,580 --> 00:28:21,580 Of the Lo-o-o-o-o-ord forever 379 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:26,500 380 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:31,560 A short one. Two nuns in a bath. 381 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,840 One says, "Where's the soap?" 382 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:37,640 The other one says, "Yes, it does." 383 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,360 Yes! 384 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,380 Alice, 385 00:28:41,380 --> 00:28:46,720 I'm surprised you got that. Very funny, that. Why? 386 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,620 One of the nuns is deaf, isn't she? 387 00:28:49,620 --> 00:28:57,140 One says, "Where's the soap?" The other one mishears her. Thinks she said something else. 388 00:28:57,140 --> 00:29:02,340 The other one says, "Yes, it does." That's right, innit? Yes. 389 00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:07,460 You should tell that one to your gran. Yeah! 390 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,240 of the Mountain King" 391 00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:00,520 Escape to Mutiny Bay, 392 00:31:00,660 --> 00:31:02,040 the new pirate land 393 00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:04,100 at Alton Towers Resort. 394 00:31:07,940 --> 00:31:09,940 There are some wrinkles that age you more than others. 395 00:31:10,940 --> 00:31:12,160 That are noticeable, 396 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:13,320 even from a distance. 397 00:31:14,820 --> 00:31:16,120 I call them deep-set wrinkles. 398 00:31:16,500 --> 00:31:17,280 Discover: 399 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:21,000 ..enriched with: 400 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:25,400 Now, even close-up, my wrinkles appear reduced 401 00:31:25,900 --> 00:31:26,520 and my face looks softer. 402 00:31:26,860 --> 00:31:28,320 And all this makes me look younger. 403 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,280 Ready for your close-up? 404 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:35,720 Because you're worth it. 405 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,640 No one torture-tests clothes like kids do, 406 00:32:09,820 --> 00:32:12,060 and these little monkeys are even hiding stains. 407 00:32:12,220 --> 00:32:13,140 Oh, kids! 408 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:15,560 You need new Vanish Oxi Action Intelligence. 409 00:32:15,780 --> 00:32:18,680 One scoop in every wash could StainInsure your laundry. 410 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:20,480 - Prove it. - Watch this. 411 00:32:21,980 --> 00:32:23,860 Intelligent stain seekers search out 412 00:32:24,100 --> 00:32:26,200 and help remove the toughest stains, 413 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,180 even those you might not have spotted. 414 00:32:28,380 --> 00:32:30,360 - See? - Wow, that's incredible! 415 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:31,240 (sighs) 416 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,240 You can't hide anything from Mum now. 417 00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:45,560 She was the kind of woman who loved to be seduced. 418 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:49,880 And she couldn't resist temptation. 419 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,740 She longed for passion, 420 00:32:53,740 --> 00:32:54,980 excitement, 421 00:32:56,460 --> 00:33:02,200 and the enticing fragrance of new Lenor Black Diamond and Lotus Flower 422 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,220 Be seduced 423 00:33:04,220 --> 00:33:05,940 By new Lenor Infusions 424 00:34:40,140 --> 00:34:45,180 I shall not want 425 00:34:45,180 --> 00:34:49,860 To lie down In green pastures 426 00:34:49,860 --> 00:34:55,020 427 00:34:55,020 --> 00:34:59,840 428 00:35:10,020 --> 00:35:14,680 You know that stuff they're selling at the local shop? Which stuff? I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.